My Hardest Prayer So Far

I've prayed many times for difficult things. For hearts to be transformed, for families to be counseled through grief. I've declared God's promises over people's life. I've prayed for God to do the impossible, simply miracles. Yet, I've lifted up these prayers with a certain ease even when hurting. But on Nov. 15th at about 6:30 am. I prayed a prayer that was the hardest for me by far.

My youngest son, the baby of the house had been sick for a couple of days. That Wednesday evening, Nov. 14th, we decided to have the doctor check him due to noticing that his breathing was a little weird. At the doctor's we found out that what we thought was a cold had actually turned into bronchiolitis.

My son's oxygen levels wouldn't go over 89, even after two asthma treatment. We were sent straight to the ER. After a couple of hours in the ER they did an x-ray that revealed he had pneumonia. Automatic admission. I must confess of feeling little scared at that moment but a little relieved thinking that he was just staying for observation. Little did I know that it was going to be the scariest night for me.

It was after midnight when we were finally in a room.Through that early morning the doctor and nurses were in and out of the room. Ethan's oxygen levels was tolerable as long as he didn't fall asleep. By the early morning he had max out the regular oxygen machine and his oxygen levels will still drop to high 70s/ low 80s. It will even drop to low 70s every time he fell asleep. There's nothing worst than to see your little one struggle with every breath they tried to take and there's nothing you can do to make them feel better.

At about 6:15 am I finally picked him up and laid him down on my chest. Shortly after, the doctor walks in again and tells us how its been a tough night and how most likely we'll be going to be transferred to another hospital that has PICU. She said some other things after but honestly after hearing her say PICU everything else withered away.

As she walks away, I instantly knew we were going to end up in the PICU and all I was able to do was hold him, put my head down and pray. Yet, my prayer wasn't an easy request of "God please heal him" or a declaration of "he is healed by your wounds". I couldn't get myself to pray that after the night we had went through. So with a heavy heart I prayed, "Lord, more than he'll ever be mine he is yours. Have your way. Your will be done, not mine."

I literally felt like I left Ethan at His feet and stepped back. For all my parents out there, you can understand how hard it is to leave your kid home sick while you go to work. It kind of breaks your heart because all you want is to stay with them caring and comforting them. It breaks your heart although you know that in a couple of hours you will be with them again.

Yet, here I am telling God he is yours, have your way. It was the extremity of my prayer that made it hard. Hard, because what if it was His will to take him back home? My world would have been destroyed, I would have been crushed and I know my life and the life of my family wouldn't have been the same. I also know that at first I wouldn't be able to understand this but it is my hope that eventually I will understand that my father's will, what He had planned, my son's purpose would have been fulfilled. Although, I would be going through an immense pain, I would have come to realize that His will, His ways are always greater.

That Wednesday for me was basically 48 hours long. I didn't grasp that one day finished and another one had started. Yet, we were transferred to the other hospital and put in PICU by 11am. I actually remember looking at my watch and telling Carlos, "It's only 11?!"thinking it should have been night time already, thinking how come it's not a new day.

But, it was! And thankfully, as the day went along, little by little Ethan started to show improvements. Although he was in oxygen and high flow (reason why we had to be in PICU). He was being a little more like himself and most importantly wasn't struggling to breath as much.

By Friday, he was being active and playful allowing the doctors to lower the high flow. By Saturday morning, he was taken off of high flow and left just in oxygen. Saturday at 3 pm Ethan ripped off the oxygen tubes from his nose. It was like if he was saying "that's enough, I'm okay." They decided to see how he will do without oxygen for a little. By 5:30 we were out of PICU with my son breathing on his own. Glory to God!

Due to the circumstances we were in, not knowing what was going to happen to our little boy made that prayer the hardest I've made. But, it also taught me something or actually made me realize something.

There's nothing in this world that is mine. It's all His! It's all His creation. That He is simply letting us steward what belonged to Him since the beginning of all times. So instead of seeking ownership or being caught up in a creator complex let's strive to be good stewards of God's creation. My hardest prayer was the hardest because of my mentality that they're my kids, I created them, no one can take them away from me. But, realizing that he's really not mine and giving him unto the creator of us all will always be the best thing to do. Regardless of the outcome.

Through those couple of days God brought so many things to light in my husband and I. My life has been changed. My Parenthood took a turn for the good only because of who our good Father is.