But what if...?

I have read the above quote many times, and it's actually a pretty awesome quote to shake off some jitters of being in the verge of doing something that can be completely amazing but that you might fall in the attempt of making it happen. Therefore, it is very encouraging but what do you do when you can't move on from the "but what if...?"

But what if I'm not doing enough as a mother, and I'm failing?
But what if I'm not being the best wife or husband to my spouse?
But what if I get fired from this job?
But what if I never find the right spouse?
But what if it becomes to late to have children?
But what if I take a step into faith and nothing actually happens?
But what if, but what if?

When the world of the "but what ifs" starts to spin faster then the world you're actually are standing on it can lead you to end up gasping for air. Making you feel as if all of a sudden your oxygen was removed from your lungs and you can't breathe. It can unconsciously open the door to anxiety. It can open a door to a war in which you have to fight a battle every day, in hopes of one day winning that same war.

Anxiety is something that creeps up on you. It is something that can be hard to notice at first, making it seem as if it was all of a sudden you're facing anxiety. Yet, it has been building up since the first time you had those "but what if" thoughts and brushed it off while smiling and telling others that you are fine. You must understand that there's only so much you can pile up to the side without addressing before it becomes a mess.

During the time I was away many things happened which were unexpected. A major one being the scare my family had with my husband in which in a matter of hours we were told that he had something that can lead to his death. Something whose survival rate was little like in the 20-25% to changing into something whose survival rate was 40%, being hospitalized for some days, having two surgeries, to being sent home and needing a nurse to change his wound dressing for some time. Then a week and a half later something else unexpected happened at my job in which all of a sudden lead to me struggling with anxiety (or so we like to think it was all of a sudden). The reality is that I've been struggling with many worries and putting them to the side over and over again.

I thank God I actually have a husband who is willing to listen to me. Although many times in my  wanting to be the best wife for him I chose to not share with him all of my worries. Handling the situations as if I'm meant to carry the burden alone, which never helps. For the most part, I've kept this to myself other than sharing it mainly with my husband and maybe a friend or two. After some time and with this pandemic I made the decision of sharing this with close family.

I honestly didn't think I would write about this, it's not an easy topic to speak about and less as a believer. Simply because some people have categorized having anxiety with not having faith. They can at times be quick to state Luke 12:29 "Don't strive for what you should eat and what you should drink , and don't be anxious." or they might state a verse that comes a little before this and tell you the bible says don't worry or be anxious about your life.Therefore, it is not being addressed correctly, leaving the person who is struggling feeling alone and disappointed. The sad thing is that their disappointment might not be on the person for "not helping or understanding" but in themselves for feeling that way.

So this is something extremely private for me which I've battled with and mainly in being open about it. But if there's something I want more than to not be judged by people is to help those who might be struggling with the same thing and have been hiding in fear of being judged. Because, yes the bible do say that but in the book of Proverbs on verse 25 it says, " Anxiety in a person's heart weighs it down(depresses the heart), but a good word cheers it up." And that's what I want to bring you today. A good word to cheer up your heart.  I want to let you know that you're not alone. I want to let you know that you're not a faithless person because you are battling anxiety. I want to let you know that God is not mad at you, God still loves you, He's still willing to redeem you, to restore you and He still have you by the hand.

I want to encourage you to not be ashamed to confess that you're anxious to God. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." We're humans and we're going to get worried and for some of us that worry will lead to anxiety but even when anxiety attacks taking the time to tell God that you're anxious about the situation will allow you to experience God's peace. I encourage you above all to not go through this alone. Look for somebody you can confide in that you can reach out to in those moments, and don't be ashamed to even ask and seek for professional help, I did. God has equipped people and even believers to professionally help us through this.

It is my prayer that if you're going through anxiety and/or depression you may find peace in knowing it's okay to feel that way and that you can now feel encourage to reach out and seek help so that you don't stay in that state of mind.

I send you my love and I want you to know that you're not alone, I'm here, and above all God is with you<3