Behind: Unmerited Grace

Poetry for me is extra special, I love reading it and especially listening to spoken word. Seeing the simplicity or complexity of the combination of words the author chose to express themselves, to voice their opinion or voice their most intimate thoughts, joys, or fears always amazes me. There's so much beauty in poetry.


"Unmerited Grace" is a very special poem for me. It's not special because I wrote it and it's my most intimate thoughts and feelings but because it just divulged itself. I was all day just wanting to make time to write. So finally at 10:20 pm I was able to sit down and I knew I wanted to call it Unmerited Grace and talk about God's Grace since Resurrection Sunday (Easter) was approaching. Yet, I wasn't sure what was going to end up on the screen until words just started to flow out and I then knew it was going to be a poem.

I've been going through a bit of an overwhelming, stressful season in my life. Praying to seek ways of getting things in order in my household as my husband and I are to soon commence a new season in our church. Looking for ways to discipline my boys, showing them love and grace but still letting them know when they mess up. In the midst of it all, I actually lost sight of my prayer time and I didn't quite see it until I heard the voice screaming in my head that said, "You can't do it and you're better off dead."

Immediately, another voice "that's not me". You would think that I would have been able to go straight into prayer right after but I actually wasn't able to. I found myself knowing I needed to pray yet not having any words to say and barely being able to write. Just walking around doing my everyday things and crying for every little thing. A scene in Jane the Virgin, a comment my husband said, a tantrum my son had, all of it just had me crying, unable to hold back my tears. Yet, with no words to pray.

But, it was at the moment of the second voice in which I was able to realize that although I felt God was far way He wasn't, He never is. That even in silence, even when I can't find words to pray He is not even an inch afar. He's surrounding me, caring for me like never before. Attentive to speak just enough to let me know I'm going to be okay.

As I realized that I couldn't help myself in asking, "But, why?" I'm so undeserving of His attention, His care, and above all His love. I'm the first one to forget to pray, the first one to try to do everything with my own strengths. If you ask me, I'm worthless mess. Yet, He is so patient and graceful that He just reminds me that I'm precious in His sight. That even though I'm kind of a mess He delights in me as I try my best to honor Him and follow His steps. He reminds me of an image that's so particular and precise. The image where in obedience to the father, Jesus lays down his life for mine while I was a sinner, while I'm still a bit of a mess. With that image is like I can finally take a deep breath of fresh air. Letting me know that for Him I'm not just worth something but worth it all. Who can be reminded of God's unconditional love and not feel refreshed? Who can experience God's unmerited grace and not receive new strength?

As leaders in a church, we often tend to feel that we must always show others that we are okay, that our life, our hearts and our minds are in order. But, I believe that letting people know it's not but that you're still holding on to the one who sustains you so you can move forward is more impactful. At the end of the day, we are all humans that struggles with one thing or another.  I can often get side tracked with my prayer life seeking to get everything else in order (which by the way I'm getting convinced that it's impossible to have an organized house with a 4 year old and a 19 month old). It's in those times where I can see how I'm undeserving, that I can then experience His unmerited grace.

 It is my prayer that you who read this and can relate may be reminded of God's unconditional love and experience His unmerited grace. And may that experience make you hold on to Him so that He can pull you out from where ever you are.